Upside of life…

You know, sometimes life can throw in a few good days, just to keep the flow of life moving along…

The sunshine has continued to grace our Green Isle. We now have resident birds which sing early in the morning. Which also has a soothing effect on my soul.

I’m throwing y’all a curveball today for a mental afterthought, myself and me having feelings of being a woman (wanting to transition into a woman), (Transgender) I must enlighten oneself that for me, the one thing I know in myself is that painting my nails, trying women’s and so forth gives me the warmest feeling of peace, One of few moments in my life that it happens.

Those feelings and why I feel such. It isn’t a sexual feeling, but this amazing burst of warmth and peace. A truly happy and reassuring emotion.

This world, with all its calamity and fear mongering and hatred, I want to ask; shouldn’t we be the ones seeking to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. To sue for peace, kindness, and to treat others with respect and not intimidation, with non judgement, not with violence? Shouldnt those values/ standards be what shouldn’t drive us, not greed or power, not to be the bully or dictator. The hate should stop, but that’s up to us to stop it.

Well, that’s probably a confusing post, and probably me brainfarting, but that’s how my train of thought goes.

My mind does that a lot… I mean ALOT! So there ya goes. Be safe everybody, peace, hugs and loves XOXO

Yet another… 😱

So, another movement of time has yet passed. Life, being filled with vast amounts of wasted opportunities and laziness.

So mornings are spent trying to rouse the wife in her medicated/couldn’t be bothered slumber. I find this hard and draining, but it’s been like this for a very long time now. And then there’s keeping my 70+years old parent who happens to live across the road, thankfully. Well, she’s had a few scares, moments where she’s been taken to hospital. Thankfully, one recent visit, they kept her in and did a whole bunch of tests to make sure she was okay. She was, but she was shook from from it, and I now she needs someone to stay in the evening through till the morning. Which I do… unless my daughter or someone visits, which means I get a break.

So things have their ups and downs, but it’s taking its toll, too. On top of my own health, which is pretty f***ed too. Ah well, once more unto the breach!!

Transitioning is so far over the horizon it only adds to my negative thoughts, rather than having peaceful emotions, I have plenty of turmoil instead.

Well thats today’s rant over.

Sunny days

#Sunshine #SADs So the sun has been gracing us with beautiful sunlight. My mood is always better with Sunshine. S.A.D’S is an awful pain in the butt, but it’s the least of my complaints… lol so here in Ireland there is always that battle on top of my normal depression and anxiety, diabetes, arthritis and gender dysphoria.

#Movie So I’m venturing out and have decided that going to the movies isn’t all bad. So Guardians of the Galaxy 3 is the flick/movie/film I’ll be watching. Getting outside, there always had to be an incentive for me. Today, the movies.

Opening my mouth…

It’s probably not the best thing for me to do, considering that I always put the proverbial foot in my mouth, or endlessly continue to dig my grave. Some people I have to tread cautiously on ice. My life for the large part of it, tends to be filled of moments when I step in it.

So when you get the urge to speak the truth, hold your tongue for a moment and engage your sensible part of your brain, otherwise it could be embarrassing after speaking.

Another moment is where you, for example, playing a game of Uno, and you know how you have those house rules? forget about them and read up on the actual rules… it saves you another round of embarrassing moments, or you could just say “I’ll Pass!” .

So in essence watch what you say. And in my case don’t say anything, it saves a whole world of bother. I think being a submissive person is an okay thing, but right now my brain is saying ‘Go buy some whiskey!!’ it’ll take the edge off. Or by doing some housework or getting out of the house, could help alleviate my mental pain right now… being married to someone who has Bi-polar and has other issues, has been a tough experience the last 20+ years… I feel so fucked right now. (I am under no illusions as to me being no saint, in fact I am probably the bottom end of the barrel for a partner.)

Thanks for listening!

A day of reflection and venting and saying Meh!

So I have been wondering how I could vent my feelings without my other half censoring my posts on social media. Now admittedly I have been posting as usual on my half-dead name. And its a dumb thought, when today I realised I have a platform for this – My blog!! No one I know has a WordPress account, so this is the perfect opportunity, even though if, alot of my followers are looking for followers themselves, (BTW NOT interested!!!) I dislike the followers who follow for their themselves, its a pet peeve. As for Me? I have wanted for a while to transition, not sure if that will ever happen to be honest. But knowing of the repercussions or coming out in this country and living in a town where a lot of people would know me, and I know that 90% of my family would unbelievably disown me, mock and ridicule me… I am not sure if would have that amount of courage to do that, even if I feel strongly about it.

…Now I know a lot of transgender folk who experience this, mostly they have transitioned, but for me who already suffers from anxiety and depression (The medications work for me) I wish in many ways that people in general were more accepting of how a person feels and how their only desire is to live out their own lives the way they wish.

Human rights are for all humanity, not the select few. People tend to listen to those who influence them the greatest (a common human trait for thousands of years!)

I wonder how they would feel, if they were ridiculed for criticising people of for firing people or having an opinion for anything from sport, court & law, for criticising the Police, the health care, what IF they were threatened with their life for doing so? What if they were not allowed to drink, smoke, smoke cannabis, to ride a bike without a helmet, write a book without censorship, to draw or paint people without clothing, I could actually go on and on…

But you get my meaning…

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” “Star Wars – The Phantom Menace” 1999

What I find upsetting the most is the hatred that is out there on the internet, in our communities, districts, states, counties, provinces etc. Why???? What is the point of causing hurt and suffering, even murder, violence, However, I may get brow-beaten for this, this isnt just a anti-trans/LGBT+ issue, from what I have observed we’re not so innocent in our cries for justice and equality, we also have a somewhat bigoted cry against the slightest critical opinion. The world has become full of distrust, hatred, and misinformation.

In closing…

We must become the better person if we are to make a better world for our kids, partners/wifes/husbands/spouses/pets etc, etc. Why cannot we just live our lives, allow opinions to be voiced (As long as its not done in anger) and just allow people to have the right to choose how they live, as long as they do not cause harm to others. If only we actually thought before we opened our mouth.

Now I am not innocent for over-kill in my expressions, I too have been bigoted in past views etc. Alas, I have had a change of heart towards others, I am still working on my attitude towards others..

Well I have typed enough. Til next time! 🙂

Q&A replies….

Daily writing prompt

When do you feel most productive?

View all responses

When? Well, to be honest, when I put some music in my ears, the sun is shining, some nice sweet-smelling candles/air-freshener in house. But the other sense from the question; I feel most productive when I have achieved something as simple as doing housework or having dome some art work, or done the shopping (I am getting tired of doing the latter on my own).

So thats me in my lengthy reply…. 😂

Two years in and still …

So we’re all two years into this “lovely” Pandemic, and we’re adapting or we’re losing our minds… I would have to say here in Ireland its a mixture or an emotional battlefield, and a lot of it is aimed at the leaders in our government…

… But in all truth, I wonder if the critics would have done better, considering that they; the politicians, have a great responsibility weighed upon their shoulders, more than most have in the country. So I think people should take a breather, step back and look at the bigger picture ( something that being an artist is essential, otherwise you’re only focusing on the smaller part of the picture, which then entails mistakes and possible despondency.).

For my family its been a somewhat bit of struggle, more so for our daughter and for us not being able to visit family in the UK and even here in Ireland… Though restrictions have been reduced, even with the Omicron virus, we’re all vaccinated and boostered and have been blessed enough not yet to have had the virus, we’ve treated as the plague… not a healthy response, but its served us otherwise.

My dreams of fully transitioning hasnt progressed in the slightest, mainly because of the amount of stress and persecution that would it would entail, I say it hasnt yet, but not yet, and yes I am getting older, but inside I know I want to get started, I want the support though too… but I have a close enough family, which again makes it harder… so the emotional rollercoaster is what it is at the moment… and it isnt spoken of pretty much.

I follow a good few trans on twitter, and enjoy reading their tails and experiences, plus I am female online to large extent… mainly because I feel more comfortable that way…. but again I must tread carefully!

Oh and to finish off, my wife has been learning to do nail art, and has been using me to experiment on, and you know what I love having my nails painted!!! Its the most happy moment and feeling that I get, which reminds me I need to get my nails painted again 🙂

Prisoner

Can one feel like a prisoner in their own homes? I’m not sure if it’s me be narcissistic or if it’s a co-dependancy thing, I have learnt it’s easier to get by in life by looking at ones own faults and failings, than it is to look at ones partner.

I have anxiety, depression has being a part of my life too. However though I have only been diagnosed since, maybe 2010, up to then I never knew what those feelings were, it wasn’t talked about really. I look back and see how often anxiety was displayed, mainly because I got bullied alot from primary school till I got to high school, where I didn’t get bullied, strange that it was that way for me, middle school was pretty bad, in the sense, one minute you had friends and the next they bullied me… weird.

In a way I’m afraid I’ll forego being the saintly nice guy and suddenly go ballistic because someone pissed me off. Not that long ago, we were on a bus/coach down to family, now you’re not allowed to smoke anywhere on the bus, and on this particular trip someone was smoking and I told the driver so. The people were then told not to, and then once the driver continued on the said person’s made a smart comment… I didn’t say anything, mainly because my wife said so… however we all got off the coach, again they said something smart, and this time I lost it, I turned around and just lost it, I was so angry, they swiftly apologised for their friend and my 10year old girl and wife told me to let it go, and to be honest I wasn’t going to, but I did, whatever I must have looked like scared the hell out of them.

So like I said I’m in a bad place again. But after a while it’ll go away.

So being a prisoner feels like you cannot do certain things because you feel your spouse will “need” you to be there, well that’s been pretty much my marriage and I know I am so far down the scale of being the nicest person to live with, I truly feel I’d rather live alone. Not to be living with anyone. Ot gets tiring when so much seems to drag you down in life…

I continue later … my boring brain crash slash mental breakdown…

… Okay, well I decided to come back and finish this, trying to end this ramble with perhaps a positive note, I am at the point of my mood in a more of an amicable frame of mind.

Not that my life isn’t at any given point in a better place or has changed. It’s more of that I’m in a better mind of being able to endure my mishaps and, well I won’t say failure, its more in that I know what for the most part my weaknesses are. I figure that right now I cannot be bothered to allow myself to give into despair.

So for now I’m gonna leave on that note.

“Never give up, never surrender!”

Time

Times a pain often, whether in my case its wasting the most precious commodity I have or using it unwisely. I have two addictions in my life, both of which have in a huge way impacted my life, I’m not divulging one but the one which brought on this emotional need to share would be video gaming, and it’s a hard thing for me, as it feels like an easy way for me to escape from my real life, I play characters who are female and especially when given that choice, I hate being associated as a male it has not made me happy, and if you who are physically think being a woman I hard, walk 6 months in my shoes. It’s been crap for me, I don’t like associating with guys and everytime I do its just I don’t really find common ground even with gaming, I have hated mostly the way they act and it just irks me.

I play with other girls and they are so much easier to play with, guys are just in such an alpha male thing, or always in a rush… which for the most part I have to help revive them… not saying I don’t need reviving 😅 and okay, some guys are okay to play with but they are few in number.

To be honest, it’s also having a sense of purpose a driving force that propels us so to speak, that’s something that we as humans need. Something we all need, something that drives us to physically put in the effort to successfully traverse life one way or another, to leave our print/mark or anything or anyone to say we were here, that we achieved something.

To achieve that though oft times we have to sacrifice something that will enable our motion to progress and not to digress!

My first time when I thought of doing A BLOG, something and somewhere I could vent without someone close telling me to take it down.

In short I have not put any effort of late in anything, life is mediocre it can be okay but mostly it’s a lack of fulfillment, achievement. Of course this is just my own character flaw.

Now I know that the Pandemic has been a large contributor to our whole civilisation as it has had a huge impact on our lives. I know that’s not helped 😕 so what to do now.

However not all has been bad; I love doing art and have been actively participating in an app called Sketch-a-day which has been the source of me doing over 600+ sketches over almost two years, and I’ve done at least one sketch everyday with one exception but otherwise it has been one consistency in my life. As for having a strong feminine aspect in my life and having come out… to a degree as Transgender. Its been a touch aspect for me, to come to grasp as to who I am.

Being a religious minded person I guess it has been a conflict of state of mind, soul and body. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had perhaps chosen to come out a long while back. But knowing my social surroundings I feel I would have lost all emotional and physical support, which case I have no idea where I would be now.

Again who knows what will be around the corner, I know and believe differently than so many on both sides, the Religious and CIS side and the LGBT+ side. It seems whatever I read or watch or talk to, their faces and body language seem so at odds with how I view things.

Well that’s the most I’ve written in a while and it feels great 🏳️‍⚧️😘🤗

#Aftermath #pandemic #goals #whattodo #timemanagement

It’s been a while…

Hey there my fellow humans.

I know, it’s been a while since my last post, a really long while. So, my life has been pre occupied with “I dont really know what I’m doing with my life.

I mean, let’s be honest, admitting that one has desires to be a woman, because I would be more comfortable physically in that way, isnt an easy thing. Now some of you have found it difficult and if truth be told, I feel that for the most part, I feel that it has been not an easy path to follow (Transitioning, I mean.) And along it, it comes with conflict, emotional and the world/society.

My choice has come down to having so much conflict, emotional and socially, that I feel I cannot transition. That I must remain a “man”. Its a hard choice for me because I can no longer have that hope, now had I made that choice when I was younger, things could have been different for me.

Now I hope for those who are still going ahead, I hope for you to find that greater peace within you, so that journey can be easier, especially in this troubled world. I hope that it be a worthwhile adventure,’and that you will be a better and truer self.

Well that’s it for now, I wont ending my blog… I intend to still be here.

Peace be with you all.